“Avoiding your triggers isn’t therapeutic. Therapeutic occurs whenever you’re triggered and also you’re capable of transfer via the ache, the sample, and the story, and stroll your solution to a special ending.” ~Vienna Pharaon
I assumed I had figured it out.
For a 12 months, I had been doing the “internal work”—meditating each day, working towards breathwork, journaling, doing yoga. I had learn all of the books. I had deconditioned so many behaviors that weren’t serving me: my must show, my want to check, my destructive thought patterns. My self-awareness was via the roof. I had hit that deep, deep place in meditation I examine within the religious texts. I met my soul.
I had stripped my life all the way down to the necessities: no espresso, no alcohol, no meat, no distractions. My morning routine was bulletproof: journal, learn a religious textual content, do yoga and breathwork, meditate.
I distanced myself from many—placing up boundaries to among the closest folks to me as a result of they “didn’t perceive.” I spent my days primarily in nature, alone, in a lot stillness and presence. I had lastly discovered peace. Or at the least, I assumed I had.
After which I went to a silent retreat in Bali.
I flew the world over, able to spend eleven days in full silence, totally immersed in my internal world. I assumed it could deepen my peace, open me as much as much more divine inspiration, that it could solidify all of the therapeutic I had accomplished.
I had no thought it was about to tear me open.
For the primary three days, I used to be in heaven. I used to be extra current than I had ever been in my life. The sound of the river, the sensation of the breeze on my pores and skin—it was intoxicating. I felt like I may keep there without end. I felt like I used to be residence, internally and externally.
However on day 4, every thing cracked broad open.
Instantly, the feelings I assumed I had healed—those I had spent months working via—got here flooding again like a tidal wave. It began with comparability. Evaluating myself to different folks on the retreat. Evaluating my physique, my flexibility in yoga class, my pores and skin, my magnificence.
I used to be so confused—I had the notice to know this wasn’t “good.” I had the notice to appreciate this was me defaulting to all these outdated ideas and behaviors.
My thoughts began battling itself—after which I dove proper into the “worst” habits I assumed I had healed: judgment. Judgment of others and judgment of myself.
What was happening?! Hadn’t I already accomplished this work? Why was I again right here once more?
An increasing number of feelings began developing. I felt so unworthy once more, like I hadn’t accomplished sufficient work on myself. Like this previous 12 months was accomplished all unsuitable, prefer it was wasted. Like I misunderstood the project.
And that’s when it hit me: I had mistaken solitude for therapeutic.
These few months earlier than the silent retreat, I had wrapped myself in solitude like a security blanket. I had averted something that triggered me—conditions, folks, even sure ideas. I had created boundaries—not simply with others, however with life itself.
I used to be at peace… however I wasn’t residing.
I had gone to this point into solitude, into stillness, that I had disconnected from the very factor that makes life significant—different folks. I had tricked myself into pondering I had discovered peace when, actually, I had simply discovered one other model of management.
However management isn’t therapeutic—it’s simply one other manner of making an attempt to really feel secure.
Seems, I wasn’t at peace—I used to be chasing once more. And this time, I used to be chasing enlightenment. It appeared completely different from my outdated pursuits—extra noble, extra religious—however it was nonetheless a chase. And I’ll say truthfully (and never egotistically), I reached enlightenment. I do know I did. I reached Samadhi, consciousness, pure bliss. However then I began chasing that state, making an attempt to ensure I used to be at all times in it. And the one manner I may keep in it was by being alone.
That’s the place the management got here in. I assumed I had relinquished my want for management. I assumed I used to be free. And in some methods, I used to be. However in different methods, I used to be meticulously curating each single element of my life to ensure I may at all times stay in that blissful state. Management had woven its tentacles into my religious apply, and I didn’t even notice it.
I wanted to be remoted, as a lot as potential, to take care of my peace. I had satisfied myself that this was my goal. That this was my highest path.
However that additionally made life so… lonely. Sure, it was peaceable. However all of the sudden I spotted I missed my friendships. I missed my household. I missed all of the individuals who triggered the heck out of me.
As a result of in full silence and solitude, I noticed the reality—what makes life “life” is being in relation to one thing or somebody.
The reality is, actual peace isn’t present in avoiding life—it’s present in shifting via it. It’s discovered within the moments after we really feel every thing, after we get harm, after we love, after we mess up, after we forgive.
That’s what life is. That’s what therapeutic is.
And go determine—it took full silence to indicate me that.
On my second-to-last day on the retreat, I sat by the river and watched a single leaf fall into the water. These lovely large leaves that look so thick and sturdy, so sturdy. The present swept it alongside, pushing it below rocks, pulling it again up, flipping it over, tearing its edges on twigs lodged within the riverbed.
However right here’s the factor—it doesn’t matter what, the leaf saved shifting. It obtained caught now and again, however by some means, it could dislodge—a bit extra damaged and bruised however nonetheless shifting.
And so will we.
Regardless of how a lot life twists us, regardless of what number of feelings hit us like waves, we are supposed to stream with it, not run from it. Not keep away from it.
What Silence Taught Me About Actual Peace
1. Solitude is a device, not a vacation spot.
Alone time is efficacious, however true therapeutic occurs in relationship—with folks, with challenges, with the messiness of life.
2. Feelings are a present, not a burden.
I assumed I had reached enlightenment by avoiding ache, however actual peace comes from feeling every thing—pleasure, sorrow, frustration, love—and shifting via it.
3. You may’t management your manner into peace.
I assumed if I simply saved my surroundings “pure,” I may defend my sense of calm. However life isn’t about management; it’s about belief.
Move with life, even when it hurts. That leaf within the river jogged my memory—life will push, pull, and take a look at you, however you are supposed to navigate it, not resist it.
So sure, silence is essential. Solitude is highly effective. However the work? The true work is on the market. Within the messy, lovely, heart-wrenching, soul-expanding expertise of being human.
And that’s the lesson I carried with me—not simply once I lastly opened my mouth to talk once more, however into each second of life that adopted.
About Sara Mitch
Sara Mitich helps folks reconnect with themselves and transfer via life’s challenges with extra readability, peace, and self-trust. Because the founding father of Gratitude & Development, she shares insights on mindfulness, mindset, and emotional resilience in her G&G Weekly Edit—a Friday publication designed to help your development journey. Be part of the group right here.
Discussion about this post