How Two Easy Lists Utterly Reworked My Life

“Happiness turned to me and stated, ‘It’s time. It’s time to forgive your self for all the stuff you didn’t turn into… Above all else, it’s time to imagine, with reckless abandon, that you’re worthy of me, for I’ve been ready for years.” ~Bianca Sparacino

I didn’t know who I used to be.

That realization hit me like a punch to the chest after I ended a decade-long relationship and canceled my marriage ceremony six weeks earlier than it was alleged to occur.

I bear in mind standing in my kitchen one morning, staring on the flooring, and pondering, I do not know what sort of music I truly like.

Which may sound small, however it was the start of all the things unraveling.

As a result of while you don’t know what sort of music you want… you in all probability don’t know what your values are. Or your opinions. Or your boundaries. Or your id.

And in my case, I didn’t.

My id had been formed solely by different individuals. I had turn into an knowledgeable in sensing what individuals wished me to be—after which being it.

I did it with romantic companions, with pals, with coworkers. It was like I had this superpower: I might stroll right into a room, assess the power, and morph myself into whoever I believed could be the most likable model of me in that context.

Nice for my appearing profession. Not so nice for actual life.

When the connection ended and I lastly discovered myself alone, I didn’t simply really feel misplaced. I felt hole. I didn’t have a self to come back house to. And the loneliness? It was insufferable.

I entered what I now name my “summer time of unhappiness.”

On the time, I known as it freedom. I drank greater than traditional. Partied greater than traditional. I advised myself I used to be lastly residing. However behind all of it was a deep, silent ache. A confusion. An emotional fog that wouldn’t raise.

Ultimately, the fog changed into one thing darker: I spiraled right into a rock-bottom second I by no means noticed coming. It was like my soul stated, Sufficient.

And someplace in that mess, I grabbed a pen.

I didn’t know what else to do. I had a lot swirling inside me, and nothing made sense. So I sat down with my journal and wrote two lists.

Record One: Who I Am

This checklist was onerous to jot down. It wasn’t self-love-y or constructive. It was trustworthy.

I wrote issues like:

I’m anxious and overthinking always.
I say sure after I wish to say no.
I attempt to be what I believe others need me to be.
I interrupt individuals when they’re talking as a result of I wish to really feel relatable.
I really feel responsible on a regular basis, and I don’t know why.
I don’t belief myself.

There was no sugarcoating. No judgment both. Simply statement.

I regarded on the web page and thought, Okay. That is the place I’m at.

Then I flipped the web page.

Record Two: Who I Need to Be

This checklist felt totally different. Not dreamy or summary, however clear.

I wrote issues like:

I wish to be grounded and calm.
I wish to be sort, affected person, and beneficiant.
I wish to pay attention greater than I communicate.
I wish to say no with out guilt.
I wish to present up extra in love and fewer in worry.
I wish to transfer by the world not feeling like I all the time must show myself.

Studying them again, I might really feel how wildly totally different these two variations of me had been—not simply in how I confirmed up for the world, however in how I handled myself.

One checklist was stuffed with worry, defensiveness, and guilt. The opposite was rooted in confidence, calm, and selection.

It wasn’t about changing into a brand-new particular person. It was about changing into extra me—the model of me that had been buried underneath layers of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and efficiency for years.

You’ll be able to’t turn into who you wish to be for those who’re not trustworthy about who you might be proper now. That’s precisely what these two lists gave me—an unfiltered take a look at each side of the mirror.

As I checked out each lists aspect by aspect, I didn’t really feel disgrace. I felt readability.

The hole between them wasn’t a flaw. It was a route.

And I had a option to make. Maintain going as I used to be—or lastly do the work to alter.

Not only for a month. Not simply till I felt higher. However for actual this time.

The sort of change that’s uncomfortable. The sort that reworks your patterns, rewires your reflexes,
and asks you to let go of all the things that now not suits.

That second grew to become the muse of my therapeutic journey.

Consciousness First, Then Change

Let me be clear: I didn’t get up the subsequent day and magically turn into that second checklist.

What I did was begin noticing. I’d stroll away from conversations and suppose, Ah… I interrupted individuals so much once more. I attempted to be humorous as an alternative of actual. I stated sure after I meant no.

At first, that consciousness was irritating. I wished to be additional alongside. However ultimately, I spotted the win is in noticing.

What helped me most on this a part of the method was journaling.

I started monitoring my ideas, my actions—even complete conversations. I’d ask myself: Was I current at the moment? Or was I in my head? Did I attempt to show one thing? The place did that sample present up?

Generally I’d set one small focus, like “interrupt much less,” and observe that for weeks. I began noticing who I felt the necessity to impress, after I misplaced presence, and how much individuals triggered these previous habits. I wasn’t making an attempt to repair it all of sudden—I used to be studying myself in actual time. That consciousness, daily, grew to become the bridge.

That’s the start line for each actual shift.

Over time, these small moments of noticing changed into totally different decisions. I began talking up. Setting boundaries. Sitting with my feelings as an alternative of numbing them. Selecting presence over efficiency.

And little by little, I started changing into the particular person on the second checklist.

Not completely. Not rapidly. However truthfully.

What I Discovered from Writing Two Lists

1. Change begins with radical honesty. You’ll be able to’t develop for those who’re not prepared to call the place you might be.

2. Self-awareness is a ability, not a change. It builds slowly. Be affected person.

3. You don’t must know the entire path. Simply the route is sufficient.

4. The purpose isn’t perfection. It’s alignment. It’s feeling pleased with who you might be changing into.

For those who’re in a season of unraveling, I see you. It’s disorienting. It’s uncomfortable. Nevertheless it may additionally be the doorway to all the things actual.

So seize a pen. Write your lists.

To not disgrace your self, however to fulfill your self.

That second of reality would possibly simply be the second that modifications all the things.

You don’t have to jot down your lists completely. You don’t even should know what to do with them immediately. Simply be trustworthy. Begin the place you might be. Let readability come earlier than change—and let that be sufficient for now.