Insecurity in relationships can really feel like a relentless battle towards an invisible enemy.
Possibly you’ve despatched a textual content, solely to reread it a dozen occasions, dissecting each phrase and emoji.
Or maybe you’ve opened up about your emotions, solely to spend the following three hours second-guessing your self.
You would possibly even inform your self, “I’m an excessive amount of. I’ll scare them away.”
However right here’s the reality: You aren’t an excessive amount of. You’re human. And being human means you might have emotions, wants, and—sure—a need to attach.
Let’s unpack the place that concern of being unlovable actually comes from, why it’s mendacity to you, and how one can begin letting go of it.
The place Does the Worry of Being ‘Too A lot’ Come From?
This concern doesn’t simply seem out of nowhere.
It typically has roots in our previous—experiences that taught us it’s not protected to completely be ourselves.
For some, it begins in childhood.
Possibly you had been informed to “Cease crying, it’s not a giant deal,” or “You’re too delicate.”
Little feedback like these can depart massive scars, making you imagine your feelings are burdens as an alternative of alerts. Should you grew up in an setting the place love felt conditional—prefer it trusted being excellent or staying quiet—it’s no surprise you began to query your value.
Then there’s the societal aspect of issues.
We reside in a tradition that praises independence and self-sufficiency, generally to the purpose of shaming vulnerability. We’re informed to “preserve it cool” in relationships, like opening up or asking for reassurance is a nasty factor.
Spoiler alert: it’s not.
Why You’re Not ‘Too A lot’ (And By no means Have Been)
Let me say it louder for the individuals within the again: having feelings doesn’t make you a burden.
In truth, your feelings are like a GPS—they let you know:
- what’s essential to you
- what you want
- the place you would possibly must set boundaries
Feeling insecure in a relationship doesn’t make you needy or damaged; it makes you somebody who values connection.
And guess what? Everybody has wants. EVERYONE. The distinction is, some individuals have realized to precise them in wholesome methods, whereas others bottle them up till they explode.
Just a few years in the past, I wore my hyper independence like a badge of honor.
I prided myself on by no means asking for assist, by no means needing an excessive amount of, and by no means being the “clingy” one in a relationship. However deep down, I used to be afraid of rejection.
If I felt insecure or sensed distance, I’d retreat additional into myself, convincing everybody—together with me—that I used to be fantastic. Over time, although, I spotted that pretending I didn’t have wants wasn’t defending me; it was isolating me.
Now, as an alternative of shutting down, I converse up. If I really feel insecurity creeping in or discover some emotional distance, I say one thing. It’s nonetheless scary generally, nevertheless it’s releasing to know I can present up as my full self—and that’s made my relationships a lot stronger.
Right here’s just a little trick I’ve realized:
- when your inside critic begins whispering, “You’re an excessive amount of,”
- attempt responding with, “I’ve wants, and that’s okay. I should have them met.”
It’d really feel bizarre at first, however over time, it could actually change the way you see your self.
Learn how to Begin Tackling These Insecurities
Now, let’s get sensible. Overcoming the concern of being unlovable doesn’t occur in a single day, however there are small, highly effective steps you may take to start out the method.
1. Observe Self-Compassion
Think about a good friend involves you saying, “I really feel like I’m an excessive amount of for my companion.” Would you inform them, “Yeah, you most likely are”? In fact not!
You’d reassure them, remind them of their value, and inform them it’s okay to have emotions.
So why not do the identical for your self?
Do this: write down three stuff you recognize about your self each day. They don’t need to be enormous—possibly you had been sort to somebody, otherwise you made it by a troublesome day. Over time, this behavior helps quiet that important voice in your head.
2. Floor Your self Throughout Spirals
When insecurity hits, it’s simple to get misplaced in a spiral of What ifs. (What in the event that they suppose I’m annoying? What in the event that they depart me?) To interrupt the cycle, attempt grounding your self.
Right here’s one technique:
- Go searching and title 5 issues you may see.
- Contact 4 issues you may really feel.
- Pay attention for 3 issues you may hear.
- Determine 2 issues you may scent.
- Take 1 deep breath.
This brings you again to the current second, the place you’re protected.
3. Talk With out Disgrace
When insecurity creeps in, the intuition is likely to be to bottle it up or apologize for it. However as an alternative of claiming, “Sorry, I do know I’m being clingy,” attempt saying, “I’m feeling just a little anxious and will use some reassurance.”
See the distinction?
One strategy shames you, whereas the opposite is sincere and direct. Individuals who care about you need to know easy methods to assist you—they’re not thoughts readers!
Your Authenticity is Your Superpower
Right here’s the magic: your vulnerability—the factor you’re afraid will scare individuals away—is definitely what creates the deepest connections. Take into consideration the relationships that matter most to you.
- Are they constructed on pretending to be excellent?
- Or are they rooted in being actual with one another?
Once you embrace your feelings as an alternative of hiding them, you give others permission to do the identical. That’s not “an excessive amount of.” That’s a present.
Wrapping It Up
So, subsequent time you hear that little voice saying, “You’re an excessive amount of,” bear in mind this:
- your emotions are legitimate
- your wants are legitimate
- you might be not a burden
- you might be sufficient, precisely as you might be
You deserve relationships the place you are feeling protected to indicate up absolutely—messy feelings and all. And the individuals who actually matter? They’ll love you not regardless of your authenticity however due to it.
Need to take step one? Strive one of many workout routines above and let me know the way it goes within the feedback.
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